I waited a whole week to write this post. It is the most painful one to write. It’s about the day she was born, and the day she was taken from me.

That Wednesday I woke up with no contractions. I felt better and could even sit up and talk. I thought I was finally getting my miracle. My mom was happy to see me walking around and talking. The doctor came in and she hugged me, we sat and talked for a bit. She said she would call the high risk doctor to come assess me again.

The waiting game was miserable yet again. However, I napped to make time go by. I had no contractions but felt uncomfortable. I couldn’t sit still for more than 30 minutes without this pressure in my pelvic area.

High risk comes in and finally does another ultrasound. The baby had moved her feet back in! I was thinking I’m definitely getting my miracle. She then tells me that the baby is so low in my uterus. She was practically ready to just pop out. She then tells me that I most likely stop contracting because, my body thought the baby was already born.

She gives me 3 options. All of which equally suck. 1) Go home and be comfortable and just wait for it to happen. (she said she didn’t recommend this, because she honestly though baby wouldn’t stay in much longer) 2) Just see what happens, I could stay as I was for 1 more hour, 1 more day, 1 more month. They couldn’t tell. However, she said this option I’d be at risk for more infections and so-on, because my water could break but my body may not go into labor again 3) The last option was to leave and go to another hospital that could help induce me, so I wouldn’t be as uncomfortable or in pain.

All my options sucked. I felt like my body had failed me. I felt like I failed her.

I just sat in a daze on my bed. My husband said he would support whatever decision I made, but lets be real. None of the options would give me her. All three would mostly likely lead to premature birth.

We finally decided to check out and went to a different hospital.

As if the first time wasn’t awful enough, we had to do everything over again. We were admitted and finally after 2 long dreadful hours we were given a room.

The doctors here couldn’t believe I was still pregnant after everything my body went through.  They said baby was far out that she could’ve been born on the car ride.

They gave me something to help induce me. I couldn’t believe it. I had to go through labor again, but yet again I would be leaving the hospital empty handed.

I was so angry at myself. I was so angry at my body. I was so angry at the world.

They asked if I wanted an epidural, and yes I really did, but I said no. I wanted to punish myself. I wanted to punish my body. I felt I deserved every ounce of pain, I was about to get.

After an 1 hour and a half, Mina Aziz Tamim was born. They asked if I wanted to hold her, and I did. She was so tiny. She had my nose and lips and the most perfect eyebrows I had ever seen on a baby.

The moment I held her, I felt this indescribable love. I wanted her so badly.

Mina baby girl: I’m sorry I failed you. I’m sorry you didn’t get a chance. I’m sorry my body failed you.  You were the reason I smiled everyday. You made each day tolerable. I couldn’t wait to see you, love you, kiss you.  My heart is shattered.

 

March 19th, 2018

I finally slept, but I didn’t wake up from that nightmare. It was still happening. The whole night of going through contractions, I figured as long as I’m not dilating and she’s still safe we have a chance. I figured I would go through that night a million times, if it meant I would get my daughter.

High risk finally stops by. At this point I absolutely have no clue on if they can help me. She starts the ultrasound and we quickly notice that the baby has already stuck her little feet through the cervix opening. My heart felt like it stopped. She told me there’s nothing we could do and this baby would be born soon. She kept talking, but I stopped listening. I just kept thinking, this is a nightmare, you’ll wake up soon. This is a nightmare you’ll wake up soon.

It wasn’t a nightmare and I didn’t wake up. It was my real life.

As soon as she left, I looked at my husband. We both just stared at each other. I wanted to cry but I knew I couldn’t. I needed time to process what I had just heard. The contractions were back and I called my nurse. She gave me some strong pain killers that completely knocked me out. Honestly, it was what I needed the most at that point. I don’t remember much of what else happened for the next few hours, actually I don’t remember much about this day. I remember family trickling in and out visiting.

I still had really bad contractions and at one point we thought the baby would be coming at any moment, but she never did. I didn’t want her to come out. I wanted to keep her safe inside me forever. I knew what it meant if she came out. It meant she had no chance at life and she wouldn’t make it past a few minutes. They can’t do much to save a 22-weeker. If I had been 24 weeks, there were so many more options, but at 22 weeks, there was nothing that could be done. I wanted to keep this baby inside me as long as I could. If that meant painful contractions, then so be it.

The hospital I was at is a Catholic hospital, so they couldn’t do much for me. They said as long as the baby had a heart beat, they had to let my body do what it wanted.

Day turned to night and still no baby. The contractions didn’t stop. A different doctor stopped by to check-in and he suggested we go to a different hospital one with more options on what they could do. It was to late and we decided to make a decision in the morning.

Sunday March, 18th, 2018 (22 weeks pregnant).  I didn’t know that this would be the start of the worst week of my life. Everything felt great, cleaned the house, did some homework, finished my lesson plans for the following week. Went to dinner with family. Everything was perfect.

I had some minor cramping, but chalked it up to being a normal part of pregnancy. After using the restroom, I knew something was wrong. I asked my husband to take me to the emergency room, and my sister in law joined us. When we got there they quickly admitted us to labor and delivery.

I remember trying to keep my cool. Everything was fine. You have minor bleeding. I remember thinking she’s probably going to tell me bed rest, then send me on my way. Oh, how I wish that was the case. My life was about to be shattered into a million pieces and I didn’t even know it.

The nurse searches for the baby’s heart beat, and quickly finds a strong heartbeat. In that moment, I truly felt everything was okay.  Then the doctor comes in, she’s this skinny super sweet lady, that you’d never guess is a doctor.

She examines me and orders an ultrasound as soon as possible. She tells me in the sweetest kindest voice, that my cervix is opening and she can see the water bag. She tells me that they may be able to save the pregnancy, and do an emergency cerclage, but the I have to wait for a high risk doctor, and high risk will be there in the morning.

At this point, I didn’t know how to feel. Okay this is really serious. The ultrasound machine was in use, and they couldn’t wait so a nurse wheeled me into another area to get an ultrasound. As all this is happening I’m having extremely bad back pain, I’m trying to ignore it but its becoming more frequent. We go to the ultrasound room, and the tech does an ultrasound. She shows me where my cervix is opening. I remember staring at the screen holding my tears back.

We get back to labor and delivery and they give me a room. The doctor explains I have an incompetent cervix. The word incompetent, just kept running through my head. All I wanted to do as soon as she left was google everything I could about this incompetent cervix. However, I had no energy to do anything, they told me to stay flat on my back and tilted the bed back, so gravity didn’t work against us.

Oh yeah, that back pain that is coming and going, turns out they are contractions. My body was actually going into labor. I remember begging them to make them stop, but they wouldn’t give me anything. They wanted high risk to see me first. I stared at the clock, it was my worst enemy that night. I had contractions from 11pm on Sunday night, all the way to 4 am Monday morning. As the contractions grew stronger and more frequent, I remember asking my husband “Why will no one help me?”, “Why am I getting punished?”. At one point the contractions were so bad, I wished I was dead. I couldn’t take it anymore. I kept hitting that nurse call light and the doctor finally comes in and gives me something to stop the contractions. Within minutes it worked. After they left I asked my husband why they couldn’t just give me that from the beginning.

I finally slept.

 

 

I remember the day I found out I was having a baby girl. I was SO happy. I have always wanted a little girl. My entire pregnancy, I longed for the day to find out gender, but I thought because I wanted a little girl, I would get a boy. However, the joy I felt when I found out you were a little girl, I cannot even describe. I wanted you more than anything in this entire world. I daydreamed all day and night about the first time, I’d get to hold you. I looked at millions of websites searching for baby girl clothing. I went through millions of names. I dreamed about the person you would become. I wrote letters to you, that I would one day give to you. Baby girl, I wanted to give you the world.

Instead, all I dreamt of was ripped from right under me. And now I’m left with this empty feeling in my heart.

My body had failed me. My own body had failed me. I had failed you. Was I a bad person? Is this happening because God is punishing me? I can’t help but think this is my fault. I have failed you, and you were so beautiful and perfect. I’m sorry. Mina Aziz Tamim, I loved you from the moment I knew I was pregnant, and I don’t know why I didn’t get more time with you, but I’m sorry I failed you baby girl. I am so sorry.