People ask me are you okay. However, I don’t think they really want to hear what I have to say.

People ask are you okay, but the truth makes them uncomfortable.

The truth is, I’m not okay.

The truth is, that it is okay to not be okay.

so don’t ask me “Are you okay?”

if you don’t like what I have to say.

Sometimes I feel like I have to tell people what they want to hear. because they can’t handle the truth.

There are days when I feel like I’m on top of the world. I tell myself, wow you are amazing. I’m not sure how you’ve come so far and you are stronger than you think.

I amaze myself.

but then that feeling comes back. Stronger than ever, as if the longer it stays away the stronger it gets. and once again I’m thrown to the ground.

and it hurts so much. it feels like my chest is caving in.It feels like I’m drowning. It feels like everyone sees me but NO ONE hears me.

I think my chest will cave in and it’ll be over. My throat tightens up, I can’t breathe. I’m gasping for air.

That feeling. it stays sometimes for a few minutes. for a few hours and Sometimes for a day.

That’s how I really feel.

but that’s not what you want to hear.

So I say, I’m okay.

 

 

 

 

 

 

After losing Mina, I felt as if I was I wanted the whole world to stop. My world had come crushing down and I wanted to curl up in a ball and never go on.  I was in my last semester of Grad school, I was finishing up my student teaching and I everything was so perfect. Until this happened. I remember being in the hospital thinking I would give up EVERYTHING to have my baby. I worked so hard at school, but if I had to stay in the hospital and risk not graduating I would’ve done it.

After, I lost Mina. I considered not going back. Everything that once mattered to me was no longer important. I didn’t care about it anymore. I missed a week of school and student teaching and the following week was spring break. All spring break I thought about my options. I wanted to give up so bad. I had no motivation for anything in my life. I wanted to GIVE UP. I was broken.

But I knew I had to go back. It was one of the hardest things I’ve ever had to do. I had hit rock bottom and I had to pick myself up again.

The first week was hard. I felt emotionally, physically, and spiritually broken. I just kept telling myself. “You just have to get through today”. I set small goals, like actually doing my hair and not looking like a wreck. and I celebrated small victories.

And here I am, ONE WEEK away from graduation. It feels so bittersweet. It’s sweet because I have worked SO hard for this. I have spent countless hours working on lesson plans, studying, and teaching a first grade class. It’s bitter because I was supposed to be 7 1/2 months pregnant. I was supposed to spend the next few months planning for a baby. I was supposed to be having a baby shower.

I kept going because one person told me, “Do it for Mina”. Mina I kept going because of you. You are the only reason I finished.

I’ve been having a hard time embracing the happy moments. I never knew it was going to be this hard.

To all the mama’s who have gone through this, you are amazing. It takes a really strong person to move forward after something like this.

I am not strong, I’m learning to be. I’m trying to be. And one day I will be. But for right now, I think it’s okay to hurt.

The number 21 was always a significant number for me. My dad passed away on the 21st.

21 is a strange number for me.

2/21 my father passed away

She was born at 10:21

3/21 my baby girl passed away

4/21 my parents wedding anniversary.

This week has been hard. I feel like a CRAZY person. I feel so many ups and downs. I’m happy and then I’m sad. I’m angry and then I’m grateful. It is exhausting feeling these abundance of feelings. Going from highs to lows. My heart hurts but I’m hoping it will heal too.

Everyday I think about you, Mina. I think about you would of been. What you would of done. I honestly believe the world was not ready for you.  You would have moved mountains.  and lets be real the world couldn’t handle you.

My heart hurts extra hard today.

Right before my loss, I had to take a huge exam for my masters program. It was my comprehensive exam. I remember thinking I have to pass this exam, I’m having a baby and I have no time for school. I remember I carried every book I ever used for grad school and went to the library to study. I carried around a bag that probably weighed 20lbs, but I was determined. I had to pass this exam.  Maybe I shouldn’t have carried that heavy bag, maybe I shouldn’t have taken it easy. Maybe that stress of school was toxic for you.

I run scenarios of what I could’ve changed in my head.

Why do I feel like this is my fault. I blame myself.

You were my motivation to get through school, you were my “prize”. You were the reason I kept pushing myself to keep going.

Two nights before my life came crashing down, I took my comp’s exam.

Yesterday I got my results. I opened the email that had the subject line “Congrats!”. The email told me I passed my comps.

This is exactly what I wanted, yet why did I not feel one bit of joy? I have worked so hard for this degree, and dreamed about graduation since I started, but all I feel is emptiness.

I’m not sure if I’ll ever feel like myself again. For every good day I have it feels like the next time I have a bad day it is 100X worse than before.

Graduation will be here soon, but I feel nothing. I feel numb. All I’m thinking about is graduation is May, and you were supposed to be in my arms in July.

I think what hurts is thinking about what could’ve been. Feeling extra sad this friday.

 

I named this blog incompetent and resilient. Resilience is being able to withstand or recover quickly from difficult conditions.

I am not resilient. The truth is I may never recover from this. I may never heal.  I may never recover from this.

I’m not sure why I assumed I’d be resilient.  I guess it’s okay to not recover quickly. Sometimes healing will take time.

Everyone tells me, You are so strong! You are so brave. As if I had a choice. As if I could be anything else.

Well I don’t want to be strong, I don’t want to be brave.

I broke down crying the other day in my car. I screamed and cried. I still don’t understand.

Everything happens for a reason they say. As if that is comforting.

God won’t give you what you can’t handle. Well guess what I can’t handle this and God gave it to me.

I guess this meaningless rambling, is my way of trying to cope. I wake up everyday hoping I was in some sort of nightmare. I hope and pray this was all a dream.

Only to realize my reality is a nightmare.

I’m really trying. I’m picking myself up, but I just really want to stay down. I’m having trouble finding happiness.

To be honest, I don’t even know what makes me happy anymore.

 

If one more person tells me….

It’s okay your young, you can have more babies in the future.

It was God’s plan.

It was not meant to be,

Everything happens for a reason.

You can’t change the past, so its better to move on.

This is what God wanted.

I will EXPLODE. I know sometimes you don’t know what to say, so just don’t say anything. Telling me this crap, doesn’t make me feel better. It actually makes me feel shittier. It makes me resent you. SO stop!

 

 

After all this happened, I had to decide on what to do. I wanted to stay home forever and hide from the world.

But I knew I couldn’t. I had only 1 month left of completing my masters program.

This has been my first week back. It has been the most exhausting and draining weeks of my life.

How do I go on when nothing feels normal? I know I have to finish school, but it has been extremely difficult.

Some days are good, but most days are bad. I find myself in a dark place mostly. I smile all day and try to hide behind this fake exterior and act like everything is okay. However, it feels like I’m drowning and everyone is just watching.

I just want to feel better. I’m constantly thing of what could of been.

I don’t even know what happy feels like anymore. I feel like I’m constantly putting on a fake smile for others.

Yet no one understands, they talk about meaningless things, perhaps just making conversation but they don’t feel what I feel.

Today I’m sad. Tomorrow I’ll probably be sad too. And you just have to be okay with that,

People become so awkward when they don’t know what to say. Everyone has been asking me, ” Do you feel better now?”. How do I answer that? YES, I feel so much better now that I’m no longer pregnant.

I get it. they are asking about the physical pain. The physical pain was the easy part. It’s the emotional pain that hurts the most.

I lost a baby.

I get it, its hard. You don’t know what to say. However, if one more person tries to make me feel better by saying ” Your young you can always have another child”. I will explode!!!!!!!

Just because I can have more children in the future doesn’t mean I didn’t want the one I was supposed to have!!

I feel like no one knows how I truly feel, because they cannot relate.

It feels like I have had my heart ripped out of my chest, stomped on, and put back into my body.

It feels like I’m drowning in the ocean, and everyone sees me but no one can help me.

It feels like I’m missing something, and I’m looking for it but its no where to be found.

It feels like a piece of my heart is missing.

It doesn’t feel good.

Yet, I’m expected to just move on. To continue with my normal life, when nothing feels normal anymore.

How can I move on? It’s not easy.

She was a part of me, and now she’s gone.

 

I’m a planner. I like to plan everything. Everything in my relationship has gone as expected. I had a timeline, get married, buy a house, finish school, have a baby. We where doing things as planned. Well, life sometimes doesn’t go as planned. I was looking forward to taking a year off, raising my baby girl, and just enjoying my time with her.

I don’t have that to look forward to. For the first time in my life, I don’t know what I’ll do. I had everything figured out, and now the anxiety is kicking in.

What do I do now? Where do I go from here? I think I’ll be lost for a while, but thats okay. I need to find myself again.

Things have been hard. I’ve realized its okay to not have a plan. My heart hurts, and it needs to heal.

 

When I was pregnant. I’d write letters to my daughter. I was hoping to one day give them to her. All I have now is an emptiness in my heart.

I cannot even begin to describe how my heart aches. I cannot even begin to describe the pain I feel. I walked into a hospital pregnant and left with nothing, but a broken heart.

I’ll never be the same again. I’ll never understand why.

I wrote this letter during my 18th week of pregnancy. Exactly a month later I found out I was in labor and losing my baby girl.

Letters to my Sweet Pea

2/19/2018 (week 18)

Dear Baby,

This is my 18^th week with you. We don’t know what you are yet, but either way we are excited. I recently decided that it would be fun to write letters to you that you could read in the future. I wish I had done this from the very beginning but that’s okay.

Let me tell you a little about where I am in my life currently. I’m in my final semester of Grad school. I’m student teaching at Wiener Elementary School in Henderson. This was probably the CRAZIEST thing I have ever done. Trying to finish my last semester of Grad school while being pregnant is insanity. However, I am so grateful. I’ve been blessed, I’m having the easiest pregnancy and things are going smoothly. I will be 7 months pregnant when I graduate with my masters. I will walk that stage flaunting my giant belly.

You have changed how I view my entire life, and your not even here yet. I promise to love you forever. I promise to try my best to be the best mama I can. Little love, you are destined for greatness. I’m excited to see who you will, what you will do. Who ever you become, just always be kind. My only hope is that you are a good person.

Lets talk about your daddy. He and I have been together for almost 8 years now. He has been supportive of my decision to continue my education. He has been the best husband, and he is more than I could ever dreamed of. He treats me with respect. If you are a little girl, I hope you one day find someone who treats you the same way your daddy treats me. If you are a little boy, I hope you one day become a man just like him. He really is an amazing person.

You also have a friend for life already. His name is Moosh. Well his real name is Marley, Your dad got him for me as an anniversary gift. We love that cat so much! He is a grumpy cat that I love to harass. He loves belly rubs, and his chin rubs. I hope that the two of you will be best the best of friends. He sleeps all day, and loves to be in the same room as us when we are home. He is a grumpy yet loving kitty. I can’t wait until you meet him!

In two weeks, we will be finding out if you are a sweet little girl or a sweet little boy. I’m so EXCITED I can hardly wait. My little love bug, you are loved more than you ever could comprehend. I’m excited to meet you, hold you, but most importantly to love you with every ounce of my body.

You will always be our first priority, our reason for everything we do, our motivation in life when things get difficult. You are due July 22^nd. And I cannot wait to hug and kiss you all over.

 

Love,

Mama