Graduation

Right before my loss, I had to take a huge exam for my masters program. It was my comprehensive exam. I remember thinking I have to pass this exam, I’m having a baby and I have no time for school. I remember I carried every book I ever used for grad school and went to the library to study. I carried around a bag that probably weighed 20lbs, but I was determined. I had to pass this exam.  Maybe I shouldn’t have carried that heavy bag, maybe I shouldn’t have taken it easy. Maybe that stress of school was toxic for you.

I run scenarios of what I could’ve changed in my head.

Why do I feel like this is my fault. I blame myself.

You were my motivation to get through school, you were my “prize”. You were the reason I kept pushing myself to keep going.

Two nights before my life came crashing down, I took my comp’s exam.

Yesterday I got my results. I opened the email that had the subject line “Congrats!”. The email told me I passed my comps.

This is exactly what I wanted, yet why did I not feel one bit of joy? I have worked so hard for this degree, and dreamed about graduation since I started, but all I feel is emptiness.

I’m not sure if I’ll ever feel like myself again. For every good day I have it feels like the next time I have a bad day it is 100X worse than before.

Graduation will be here soon, but I feel nothing. I feel numb. All I’m thinking about is graduation is May, and you were supposed to be in my arms in July.

I think what hurts is thinking about what could’ve been. Feeling extra sad this friday.