Resilient

I named this blog incompetent and resilient. Resilience is being able to withstand or recover quickly from difficult conditions.

I am not resilient. The truth is I may never recover from this. I may never heal.  I may never recover from this.

I’m not sure why I assumed I’d be resilient.  I guess it’s okay to not recover quickly. Sometimes healing will take time.

Everyone tells me, You are so strong! You are so brave. As if I had a choice. As if I could be anything else.

Well I don’t want to be strong, I don’t want to be brave.

I broke down crying the other day in my car. I screamed and cried. I still don’t understand.

Everything happens for a reason they say. As if that is comforting.

God won’t give you what you can’t handle. Well guess what I can’t handle this and God gave it to me.

I guess this meaningless rambling, is my way of trying to cope. I wake up everyday hoping I was in some sort of nightmare. I hope and pray this was all a dream.

Only to realize my reality is a nightmare.

I’m really trying. I’m picking myself up, but I just really want to stay down. I’m having trouble finding happiness.

To be honest, I don’t even know what makes me happy anymore.