March 21st, 2018

I waited a whole week to write this post. It is the most painful one to write. It’s about the day she was born, and the day she was taken from me.

That Wednesday I woke up with no contractions. I felt better and could even sit up and talk. I thought I was finally getting my miracle. My mom was happy to see me walking around and talking. The doctor came in and she hugged me, we sat and talked for a bit. She said she would call the high risk doctor to come assess me again.

The waiting game was miserable yet again. However, I napped to make time go by. I had no contractions but felt uncomfortable. I couldn’t sit still for more than 30 minutes without this pressure in my pelvic area.

High risk comes in and finally does another ultrasound. The baby had moved her feet back in! I was thinking I’m definitely getting my miracle. She then tells me that the baby is so low in my uterus. She was practically ready to just pop out. She then tells me that I most likely stop contracting because, my body thought the baby was already born.

She gives me 3 options. All of which equally suck. 1) Go home and be comfortable and just wait for it to happen. (she said she didn’t recommend this, because she honestly though baby wouldn’t stay in much longer) 2) Just see what happens, I could stay as I was for 1 more hour, 1 more day, 1 more month. They couldn’t tell. However, she said this option I’d be at risk for more infections and so-on, because my water could break but my body may not go into labor again 3) The last option was to leave and go to another hospital that could help induce me, so I wouldn’t be as uncomfortable or in pain.

All my options sucked. I felt like my body had failed me. I felt like I failed her.

I just sat in a daze on my bed. My husband said he would support whatever decision I made, but lets be real. None of the options would give me her. All three would mostly likely lead to premature birth.

We finally decided to check out and went to a different hospital.

As if the first time wasn’t awful enough, we had to do everything over again. We were admitted and finally after 2 long dreadful hours we were given a room.

The doctors here couldn’t believe I was still pregnant after everything my body went through.  They said baby was far out that she could’ve been born on the car ride.

They gave me something to help induce me. I couldn’t believe it. I had to go through labor again, but yet again I would be leaving the hospital empty handed.

I was so angry at myself. I was so angry at my body. I was so angry at the world.

They asked if I wanted an epidural, and yes I really did, but I said no. I wanted to punish myself. I wanted to punish my body. I felt I deserved every ounce of pain, I was about to get.

After an 1 hour and a half, Mina Aziz Tamim was born. They asked if I wanted to hold her, and I did. She was so tiny. She had my nose and lips and the most perfect eyebrows I had ever seen on a baby.

The moment I held her, I felt this indescribable love. I wanted her so badly.

Mina baby girl: I’m sorry I failed you. I’m sorry you didn’t get a chance. I’m sorry my body failed you.  You were the reason I smiled everyday. You made each day tolerable. I couldn’t wait to see you, love you, kiss you.  My heart is shattered.