I finally slept….

March 19th, 2018

I finally slept, but I didn’t wake up from that nightmare. It was still happening. The whole night of going through contractions, I figured as long as I’m not dilating and she’s still safe we have a chance. I figured I would go through that night a million times, if it meant I would get my daughter.

High risk finally stops by. At this point I absolutely have no clue on if they can help me. She starts the ultrasound and we quickly notice that the baby has already stuck her little feet through the cervix opening. My heart felt like it stopped. She told me there’s nothing we could do and this baby would be born soon. She kept talking, but I stopped listening. I just kept thinking, this is a nightmare, you’ll wake up soon. This is a nightmare you’ll wake up soon.

It wasn’t a nightmare and I didn’t wake up. It was my real life.

As soon as she left, I looked at my husband. We both just stared at each other. I wanted to cry but I knew I couldn’t. I needed time to process what I had just heard. The contractions were back and I called my nurse. She gave me some strong pain killers that completely knocked me out. Honestly, it was what I needed the most at that point. I don’t remember much of what else happened for the next few hours, actually I don’t remember much about this day. I remember family trickling in and out visiting.

I still had really bad contractions and at one point we thought the baby would be coming at any moment, but she never did. I didn’t want her to come out. I wanted to keep her safe inside me forever. I knew what it meant if she came out. It meant she had no chance at life and she wouldn’t make it past a few minutes. They can’t do much to save a 22-weeker. If I had been 24 weeks, there were so many more options, but at 22 weeks, there was nothing that could be done. I wanted to keep this baby inside me as long as I could. If that meant painful contractions, then so be it.

The hospital I was at is a Catholic hospital, so they couldn’t do much for me. They said as long as the baby had a heart beat, they had to let my body do what it wanted.

Day turned to night and still no baby. The contractions didn’t stop. A different doctor stopped by to check-in and he suggested we go to a different hospital one with more options on what they could do. It was to late and we decided to make a decision in the morning.